People always told me be careful of what you do
And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts
And mother always told me be careful of who you love
And be careful of what you do 'cause the lie becomes the truth
- Michael Jackson lyrics for Billie Jean (1982)
Today, when I went to pick up at the dojo, Master Jude was sitting on the Bad Kid Bench. One of teachers immediately ratted on him, "He pushed Thomas over. We had to give Thomas ICE." (Obviously names have been changed here to protect identities.)
Before I continue with the testimony, let me give you a bit of background about Thomas. Thomas' parents are divorcing. I know this because Miss M is a boundary-less gossip. M was the one who told me with 100% authority that Joseph (my favorite) has "delays". I tried to ask her, you know, would these aspects likely ever "arrive". She just stared back at me. I guess her face said, "Why are you asking me to say it out loud?" More about Joseph another time.
So I know about Thomas' family situation because it was offered to me as an excuse for his behavior. These guys at the dojo, right?
One time at pick up, I saw Jude racing on his bike ahead of Thomas and Thomas' face was so full of fury that it almost eclipsed his pulled back arm with fist tightly clenched gesture as he was gunning it towards my kid. Like, where do children learn stuff like this. Honestly, he looked like Superman here:
So, it goes without saying that I'm going to hell when I die because when I walked into the Court of the Dojo today. I looked over at Thomas, sitting there like a character from Our Gang with a shitty expression on his face, holding an ice pack to his forehead (it looked from where I was at the Bad Kid Bench like the ice was wrapped up in a diaper, which was only adding insult to injury, but we're talking about the dojo here, which is just like Vegas. Let's just call this diaper ICE, ok?) and I didn't feel bad, per se.
Thomas met my eyes and I mouthed "Sorry" because it's very Canadian and maybe I don't know I thought some random adult might be watching. His expression didn't change. When he's older/tall enough, he'll cut me for sure. He knew.
But then. An intriguing plot twist. Daniel, newly aged 5, sidled up to me as I squatted next to Jude. Daniel goes, "I know what happened. It's not Jude's fault." I was like, "YES?" and Daniel, who I've personally seen in a guest starring role as Thomas' punching bag on more than one occasion, says, "Jude was running and he put his hands out so he wouldn't fall and then Thomas was like just standing there." You see, it was an ACCIDENT.
Later in the car, as I pulled away, happy for some sunshine and the weekend unfolding, I asked Jude, "Did you push Thomas?" Jude said, "Yeah. He was BUGGING ME."
Accident. Spelled V-E-N-G-E-N-C-E.
So, I imagine my son's future like in this video showing what hyper reality might be like. For the hundredth time, I wish I was him. What we know of facebook and instagram and whatever else plus all our emails and messages are going to collapse in this big, boring heap and merge into our day to day.
I can't wait.
I guess that it's a debunked myth, but there was that story that when the guy that played Hercules said his lines, he acted out the direction of "disappointed", by giving a verbal 110% rendition. Go on. Give yourself a laugh and to hell with the people who swear it didn't happen like that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_O1hM-k3aUY
Anywho, I bought the AvoSeedo, shown below.
I also have the indoor MiracleGro indoor garden. I'm currently growing lettuce. Yup, I just waltz on past it some days and rip off a leaf. Mmm. Organic.
Back to it.
The AvoSeedo (damn that's hard to type!) is made for mutant avocado pits, or I should be feeling significantly inadequate. You be the judge.
Plan B: Toothpicks. Add them to the Deserted Island Emergency Kit along with an unbent paperclip and ye olde duct tape.
I was dreamin' when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin', could've sworn it was judgment day
The sky was all purple, there were people runnin' everywhere
Tryin' to run from the destruction, you know I didn't even care
- Prince lyrics for 1999
God, I still miss Prince. He was so clearly from some other more fabulous place and he died just like normal humans do. In back luck and with no fanfare. I gather he died alone in an elevator. And if this isn't bad enough, I've thought about this many times: Did the door open and close all night?
Why should any of us get over this?
So, if you would've told me this morning that today Jude would get a mysterious PRESENT from a person whose name I don't even know to APOLOGIZE for harm inflicted upon him....like a settlement in a court of law....
First, let me introduce you to Exhibit A: The 3 year old teeth-sized bruise on his arm.
Guess who bought Jude a present? The grandmother of the kid that bit him. As if it weren't already abundantly clear that that only thing I'd like from her and every member of her family is to GOVERN THEIR EMOTIONS.
Is this not bizarre behavior?
The Dojo were uncharacteristically shocked when they were shown Jude's bruise, which should be noted had faded quite a bit over the course of the weekend. Miss M asked him, "Where did this happen?", like a good, hardened cop might. Kudos to you, Miss M, if we were actually going to go out on patrol and find the culprit! Jude had already gave up the kid's name. Really, all they had to do was wait for him to arrive and slap the cuffs on. So there followed a lot of blablabla with some self-explanatory blablablabla and some mild and could-be-missed threats related to blabla and blabla.
The idea is like a sandwich. We keep being told that it's normal behavior while also being told that it's UNACCEPTABLE. After this blows over, we are told that Jude (his ID says he's still 3 years old, btw) needs to develop more social awareness, that he needs to be more SAVVY.
So, we're to conclude that it's mature and cagey to bite the nearest arm?
Also, do kids that bite this hard grow up to be sociopaths? Because I'm just going to assume that so that Jude's Dojo Years are a fine investment in a future where he lives without bothering with any asshats of any age or size.
Anyway, I will pick the present up when I get Jude this afternoon. I have no idea what the present contains only that if there is the smallest chance that it's a bottle of wine, I may be persuaded. More likely, it's:
- Box of bandaids
- Some toy that promotes violence (because, well, come on now)
- Anyone's guess
Off to read some McSweeney's in the meantime.
I love Batard. It's on Fraser Street, tucked right in there where you're just about to drive by thinking Yelp has failed you and voila! We ate some perfect little cakes that picked out with our hungry eyes and risking gluttony, left with a gorgeous little loaf of bread basically gift-wrapped in plain paper.
I so feel for people who have issues/fears/trauma from CARBS. I could eat a loaf of bread in one sitting all by my stoney lonesome. (this is not a confession. not this time, anyway.)
This weekend, I'm going to bake bread. I was inspired by this picture posted today by the bakery:
How did this happen?
How can I make this happen?
I hope it's just a trick of the camera that makes him look scared. Anyway, who needs a preschooler in your life when you can make a bread version of one!!
When I was on mat leave with Jude, I remember suddenly realizing something pretty fundamental.
"They are depending me."
A vast, vague notion perhaps, but nonetheless I found a starting point: Learning To Cook. Or, as I also like to put it "Cook Something They Will Eat", otherwise known as "Cook Something That Doesn't Leave You All With a Persistent Stomach Ache". Yesss.
Enter some internet research and eventually, the book "How To Feed a Family".
I've tried most of the recipes and all are no-fail and amazing. You can find more recipes and learn more about them here. Proud too to see that they reside in Canada! Yay, happy shower of red maple leaves!
Of all the pages in my book, the ones with most splatters and dog-earedness are showcasing:
-- Risotto, Spinach and Kale Cakes (make ahead and freeze for lunches and snacks)
-- Wagamama Cookies (you won't have any left to freeze, trust me)
-- Orange Chocolate Mini Muffins (ditto)
-- Mini Meatloaves (I hide spinach in mine and now only you and me know that)